I need to make more friends in this area. Seriously.

Oh yeah, the beach today was awesome. There was a hot guy I kept checking out. Yum. I got a sunburn. I ate ice cream and cake. Now I'm crashing ^_^

But not really, totally gonna write some tonight.

I SPEAK IN FRAGMENTS!

ohshi-- no!

whut?

When I was younger-- as recently as a year ago, I think-- when I blogged here on livejournal I would write long well thought out diatribes about various things that were actually important to me. Now I post pictures, and can't even complete a single thought without rambling down to nothing.

This falls in line with something that I've been thinking about quite a lot under the surface recently; thinking long form, vs. thinking short form. The whole idea stems from a snippet of conversation I had with someone over a fan fic they wrote-- their story, while very good, was also very short. I mentioned that I'd have preferred a longer version, and the author retorted with "I'd writer longer, but I think in short form." That really got me thinking, though I don't think I was aware for the longest time.

When I was younger-- again, as recent as a year ago, though even then it was waning-- I stimulated myself non-stop. I was in school, I had several jobs, various projects-- both video, writing, artistic, and otherwise-- and I followed politics and science pretty heavily. I had a lot to think about, and think about it I did. I got to the point where a lot of people call me conceited and a know-it-all because I always had an opinion about something-- often I really felt I was correct, and in so also became known as stubborn, haha. But I digress.

Basically, back in those days, I had so much to think about that I did just that-- I thought. A lot. I came up with so many story ideas I have yet to do anything with. So many illustrations, video ideas, and just general theories in various fields. Moreover, I had people to discuss these things with-- mostly online, but plenty of friends in real life as well.

I was in the midst of a stimulation gold mine.

Then college came to end at an abrupt and unfortunate end-- something even now two years later I'm still reeling from-- a heavy depression having already set in before that. With that, I lost a lot of the veins of stimulation, I became isolated, introspective, and lost myself.

This was only compounded by a semi-forced situation where I found myself further isolating myself and moving to Washington. If the situation had been different, had I done certain things with my life prior to that to ensure myself a better situation (found a job in LA, got my license, stayed in school or applied to school when I moved there) I may have had a better time of it. But I didn't, and while I had new stimulation it wasn't what I needed at that time.

In my life, I find myself moving around a lot-- both physically and mentally. My mind was still searching for something I had back at school, and prior, that it just wasn't going to find. Physically I was elsewhere and should have been ready to start anew, but I couldn't.

Just prior to moving to WA there was a period where I became obsessed with taking the MENSA test, "whether I passed or not," I just wanted to know what it meant. I didn't know why, I couldn't understand why, and I still don't know entirely but I have an idea. I was losing myself, and the only thing I had going for me in my group of friends was my intrinsic ability to comprehend things others didn't quite so well-- I may have seemed pompous (still do) but I was always the 'smart one,' even when I was in gifted classes. I was the one to try new things, to understand the problem, to 'get it.' I felt myself losing away, and through the MENSA thing I somehow saw a way to validate the thing I no longer felt I had a right to claim.

And, ultimately, I did not pass.

I was thinking short form, and it showed. I made my moves one at a time, piece by piece, not honestly looking forward down the road to see where the turns may be-- I was aware of the road, I was aware of turns and where I wanted to wind up, but I kept my eyes down to the asphalt.

As such, my writing followed suit. I no longer had flights of fancy, I never had wondrous bouts of introspection and theory. I gained writing gigs on various blogs, and lost each one due to my own short sightedness. My fault, I've known that from the get-go.

But the blogging is the tell-tale: You look through my journal, there's a definite time where my blogs got much shorter, less poignant, and I started to seek others personal insights to fill the gaps I couldn't.

I never found them.

Long form: I used to write long introspective and theoretical posts with some frequency. Much of it was about the past, or about the future-- rarely about the moment.
Short form: I learned to use my phone to show the only thing I was capable of looking at-- the present. I could only post about things that weren't about me, only things that may have represented me in some way though without my understanding how. Photos, art, links or videos that meant something to me for the moment. Nothing FROM me, not directly.

As a writer, I've become acutely aware that I idealize long form-- I'm obsessed with understanding other people, how they think, and where they come from through their writing and art. But my current self hasn't been capable of actualizing these things directly, though it won't let go of the idea.

I think now, through this, I've become ready to move on. No matter how asinine I make myself out to be, I've gotta become my authentic self.

God, that makes me sound so pompous, haha.

Well, it seems my exercising lately has finally begun to show! I have muscles! In my arms! Like, definition is beginning to show! Not enough to take a picture, but enough for me ^_^ Also, my legs are reeeeeally sore from running in the waves yesterday.

Soon I'll be the prettiest ballerina in the ball!

Paper Hearts


Hump Day


The first one just looks amazingly cute and romantic, and the second one looks sincere but hot. Both? Hilarious. I need to see them.