Me in flames

(no subject)

Things are going really well for me in Portland so far, and I'm terrified every day that it will fall apart. Fortunately it's not enough of a fear to cripple me, but it definitly makes me wary of every interaction and decision I make.

I've been here for about five months now and I very quickly gained a friend group who are very active. They like me, I like them. Outside of that group I have other friends as well (Hi Alan and AJ!), but I definitely find myself keeping everybody at arms distance away. I'm worried that will affect my ability to create strong relationships, all because of how negatively things ended with other friends recently.

The funny thing though is, just as I mentioned a moment ago, even if they did go south I know I have it in me to just keep going forward anyway. One thing I recognize about myself is that I will never stop being active, and will never stop reaching out to others. So I've got that going for me at least.

But yeah, I do fear every day that everything is going to fall apart again. But I have faith in myself that if it does I'll still survive.
Me in flames

(no subject)

I've been coming onto LJ at least once a week for a few months now just to troll the few friends on here who still post, but rarely do I comment. Figured I'd post to just to say hi! I could post a metric fuck-ton about how my life has been, but whatever to all that right now.

TL;DR: had some great times, had some awful times, and now I'm living in Portland trying to find a job. On the plus side I've started doing freelance copyediting for tabletop game core rulebooks and the like, super involved with game developer community here, and... that's pretty much my life right now! Hooray!

Okay, I posted, I feel better about myself now.
Me in flames

(no subject)

I had a dream about a week ago. It bothered me the whole day after, not because of any bizarre elements but because of how possible it seemed. In it I was sitting at my desk at work when Jim, my boss and the head attorney at the firm I worked for, came out of his office and declared that they needed to lay somebody office. It's a small office, so really it was down to me and Taylor, the paralegal's stepdaughter who only comes in three days a week and doesn't even get much done. I remember figuring it would probably be her because, well, like I said she doesn't really do much. But LO and BEHOLD, he looked at me and said "I'm sorry, Jeremy, but we're going to have to lay you off."

I remember how I felt in the dream. I was upset, but not upset about losing the job. I was upset because what Jim was basically saying, according to dream logic, was that I was stupid and incompetent and lazy and a piece of shit who didn't deserve to work there and 'laying me off' was just his polite way of giving me the boot. I wasn't angry at losing the job. I was angry about being called stupid.

Which is why yesterday when Jim called me into his office and essentially said all of those things like he did in my dream, I quit.

I quit my job yesterday is what I'm saying.

He said, in more diplomatic terms than these (he's a lawyer, so he knows just how to word things to get their point across but with just enough haze), that I was too fucking stupid and lazy to do my job, got borderline racist, and that I was intentionally making things more difficult for him "for no reason."

He said that if he could terminate me right then and there he would, but he had to go through due process first (my phrase, not his) and give me a written warning first, then the next step was to fire me.

All this after almost a year of hating my job, dealing with interoffice sexism from a woman I work with, and seeing things I just plain did not like about their practices (who the fuck condones putting a five year old dog down after its owner passes away?!). There is one person (the woman mentioned above) who has just made me miserable the entire time, gone out of her way to convince her best friend, the paralegal at work, to institute rules that only applied to me (even when said paralegal's stepdaughter did the same actions).

So I quit. I hate not doing my job right, but moreover I hate being called stupid. Worse, I had begun to start to believe it. I really did. My self-esteem is already kinda shitty, but this job was making it worse.

The funny thing is though, I wasn't GOING to quit. I left for lunch immediately after the "poor performance" review and called my mom at work. I'd done this a few times before, telling her "I want to quit so bad right now." and each time she reminded me that I had obligations and that it was in my best interest to stay. So go figure, the one time I tell her "No, I'm not going to quit. I really want to, but I can't." She says, "Just do it."

So, I went back into the office, packed up my shit, deleted my files off the computer, and quit. I deposited my last paycheck into the bank and already it's almost all gone to bills and other things.

I am freaking out, of course. I don't have an income. I WON'T have any money for god knows how long. I have school to get to, things to pay for, and other things I need to take care of. I'm going to have to pretty much stop going to all the comedy shows I've been going to, which is killing me inside, but I have to.

But it was definitely the best decision I could have made.
Me in flames

(no subject)

My life, you guys. I know I complain and whine and bitch and moan (in that order) a lot on here, but a lot of really AWESOME stuff happens to me with surprising regularity. I've come to realize about myself is that I tend to shrug off the good stuff more, and focus on the negative. I'm not alone there, but still, check this shit out:

I wrote a paper today for my editing class on the half-horror, half-documentary style movie Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, talking about the duality of film styles going on in the movie. By all accounts, it was probably the shittiest, most half-assed paper I have written in my long college career. Shit, I didn't even know how to end it so I just said fuck it, typed "HOORAY!" and called it a day. I then posted about this on twitter, tagging the @LeslieVernon twitter account because why the fuck not.

Well, now the director of the movie, Scott Glosserman, wants to read my paper. WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN

I have written a ton of what I'd consider really great papers in my day, on all kinds of subjects. This one? This is not among those great papers. Great papers include my 25 page paper for a sociology class on the correlation between alternative rock music and sexual/gender identity which my teacher pushed emphatically for me to turn into a full on book and was also used at least three times I'm aware of as citation for other friends own research papers, one of whom was in GRAD SCHOOL at the time (I was in community college); and a paper for a psychology class on sexual fetishism that I found out semesters later that my teacher still held up as a god example of a well-written project (which, incidentally, I did the night before). I am not too shabby with the writing thingy, y'know? This paper is funny in my opinion, but definitely not of high quality.

Before I leave, let me list a few other really cool things that have happened in recent history that I have really not been sharing with many people, even in real life:

- Wil Wheaton came into the law office I work for because we're doing something for he and his wife, and as he was leaving pointed enthusiastically at my Nerdist shirt and proclaimed "That's my friends company's shirt! I'm gonna go and tell him about this!" and high stepped (but seriously) away. I got very red in the face and tried to subdue my nerdgasm.

- I have spent time with Donald Glover, Tom Wilson (aka: Biff), Mark Maron, Todd Glass, Jonah Ray, and a plethora of comedians I have admired for a long time, as well as comedians I have come to admire recently.

- I recently applied for jobs at E! and G4 using references from on-air personalities and producers for shows on each channel, because they like me.

- I am working on a documentary on the alternative comedy scene that is REALLY HAPPENING, YOU GUYS.

- I have started doing stand up myself finally, and I am actually making people laugh. I am kinda okay at this, which is awesome. I will bomb eventually, probably sooner rather than later, but I can honestly say it won't stop me.

- A few months back I met Kerry O'Quinn of Starlog and Fangoria magazine and got to talking. I have an official invite to his birthday party, which is incidentally the same date as mine, which he plans on holding at Nichelle Nichols' (Uhura, y'all) house.

There are other things, but those are some highlights I thought were worth mentioning. Hooray!
Me in flames

(no subject)

So my uncle on my moms side has just been diagnosed with celiac disease. Basically means he's forced to eat glutton free foods for the rest of his life or else his intestines will begin to shut down (again). No beer. No cake. Hardly anything good.

Oh yeah, and it's genetic. Yeah, my grandparents definitely had one of those "Oh, that explains why so and so was that way."

Diabetes. High blood pressure. Thyroid problems. And now, celiac disease. All things I'm finding out I'm prone to WELL INTO ADULTHOOD.

On a positive note, I have kept myself steadily under 250 pounds for two weeks now, despite my levels of activity going down. I'm eating less and eating better. My goal is to at least be in the 230's by the end of the year.
Me in flames

(no subject)

You guys... Tonight has been a crazy night. A lot of stuff happened, a number of things DIDN'T happen, but it has been a fucking amazing night none the less.

The MAIN thing that occurred? I did my FIRST OPEN MIC. Finally. I fucking killed it, you guys. You can hear my shoddily recorded set here:

My friend Kyle who was co-hosting the show came on stage after my set and said "Believe it or not you guys, that was his first time doing stand up." That got a lot of stunned reactions, and a fist bump from another comic. I had a few people come up to me after the show and tell me they thought I was funny, and that they were surprised it was my first time. I seemed so natural.

There's more to say, good and not so great, but I'm tired so I'll leave it for tomorrow. But for now? Listen! LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN!
Me in flames

(no subject)

Filmed the Pizza Day comedy show tonight. Got some really great shots. Learned a lot about what not to do with my camera. But over all, some really great stuff. Met some awesome comedians, reconnected with a few long lost friends, and overall had a really awesome night.

And I do it again tomorrow at the show Long Way Down, which is a comedy show on some dude's apartment complex's roof! So. Excited.

Sunday, poppin' that comedy cherry. And hopefully, I'll become a stand up slut and fuck all the open mics all the time.
Me in flames

(no subject)

I had a very intense dream this morning. I was at my grandparents place (a common dream location, but one I haven't dreamed of in a while) where my dad lives now, and all my dad, stepmom, grandma, and grandpa were all living there. It started with my grandpa getting sick, but became all about my grandma.

There were all these things I'm sure are metaphors, most of which I can't recall. But there are three things that stick out.

I slept in the bathtub, which wasn't how it was when I was growing up. It was yellow and claw footed, and the walls of the bathroom were wood rather than stucco or whatever. And when I looked out the back it looked up at a hill, which didn't exist anywhere but through the bathroom window (if I went outside it was no longer there). And the fact that I slept in the bathtub both bothered, and didn't bother me in a weird way. It bothered me because it was embarrassing, but I was used to it for some reason so I just didn't complain.

Also there were constantly flowers everywhere. The ones that stuck out the most were these white flowers my grandparents house used to have but have since died away. They're these huge stemmed things, with a big bulb of a flower, usually just two large white or orange pedals, and a huge yellow stamen in the middle. I have no idea what they're called. They were usually moist with dew for some reason, even when it didn't make sense.

Also, there was a thing with windows. There was always something weird about them-- not just the windows themselves, but what you saw through them, or what they represented. For instance the windows were always closed-- they HAD to be closed for one reason or another. Also, often times I would look out the window and there would be views of things that just plain were not actually there (like the hill mentioned above) and I'd go outside to find that the thing I saw wasn't there.

But the most upsetting thing was when I was in my grandparents room and my grandma was lying on the bed, sick. I remember looking out the window and seeing her out in the yard, but also on the bed. I went and opened the window and she was still outside, AND still in the bed, so I ran out the backdoor to find she was gone, but when I looked back at the window I understood why they had to stay closed-- we were trying to keep my grandma from dying, and I had just let her go.

The thing about all this though is that my grandma passed away over a year ago. I remembered that IMMEDIATELY upon waking up. So I have no real idea what it could all mean. I have theories-- mainly that I need to let go of my past and my childhood, because everything in my dream somehow reminded me of that (not to mention other things I've been noticing)-- but overall it's still confusing.

I was also very fatigued through the entire dream. Stumbling around, exhausted and nonsensical at times. Not sure why.

Anyway. I've got to create more dreams now. If anyone has any theories, I'd be more than happy to hear 'em.