Jeremy (dergerm) wrote,

I had a dream about a week ago. It bothered me the whole day after, not because of any bizarre elements but because of how possible it seemed. In it I was sitting at my desk at work when Jim, my boss and the head attorney at the firm I worked for, came out of his office and declared that they needed to lay somebody office. It's a small office, so really it was down to me and Taylor, the paralegal's stepdaughter who only comes in three days a week and doesn't even get much done. I remember figuring it would probably be her because, well, like I said she doesn't really do much. But LO and BEHOLD, he looked at me and said "I'm sorry, Jeremy, but we're going to have to lay you off."

I remember how I felt in the dream. I was upset, but not upset about losing the job. I was upset because what Jim was basically saying, according to dream logic, was that I was stupid and incompetent and lazy and a piece of shit who didn't deserve to work there and 'laying me off' was just his polite way of giving me the boot. I wasn't angry at losing the job. I was angry about being called stupid.

Which is why yesterday when Jim called me into his office and essentially said all of those things like he did in my dream, I quit.

I quit my job yesterday is what I'm saying.

He said, in more diplomatic terms than these (he's a lawyer, so he knows just how to word things to get their point across but with just enough haze), that I was too fucking stupid and lazy to do my job, got borderline racist, and that I was intentionally making things more difficult for him "for no reason."

He said that if he could terminate me right then and there he would, but he had to go through due process first (my phrase, not his) and give me a written warning first, then the next step was to fire me.

All this after almost a year of hating my job, dealing with interoffice sexism from a woman I work with, and seeing things I just plain did not like about their practices (who the fuck condones putting a five year old dog down after its owner passes away?!). There is one person (the woman mentioned above) who has just made me miserable the entire time, gone out of her way to convince her best friend, the paralegal at work, to institute rules that only applied to me (even when said paralegal's stepdaughter did the same actions).

So I quit. I hate not doing my job right, but moreover I hate being called stupid. Worse, I had begun to start to believe it. I really did. My self-esteem is already kinda shitty, but this job was making it worse.

The funny thing is though, I wasn't GOING to quit. I left for lunch immediately after the "poor performance" review and called my mom at work. I'd done this a few times before, telling her "I want to quit so bad right now." and each time she reminded me that I had obligations and that it was in my best interest to stay. So go figure, the one time I tell her "No, I'm not going to quit. I really want to, but I can't." She says, "Just do it."

So, I went back into the office, packed up my shit, deleted my files off the computer, and quit. I deposited my last paycheck into the bank and already it's almost all gone to bills and other things.

I am freaking out, of course. I don't have an income. I WON'T have any money for god knows how long. I have school to get to, things to pay for, and other things I need to take care of. I'm going to have to pretty much stop going to all the comedy shows I've been going to, which is killing me inside, but I have to.

But it was definitely the best decision I could have made.
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