Also, I totally forgot next week was Valentine's day. I really did. See, because the holiday has never meant shit to me. I don't hate it. I love the idea of love, and how happy it makes other people. But it's never been a special occasion for me, not for my twenty-seven years on Earth. I've never dated anybody around the time, nobody ever gave me special notice on the day, and overall it's just been a moot day in my book. So I forget it comes up, and don't feel anything about it.
At least until somebody asks me about it, and when I respond back with "Nothing. I've never had a reason to care about it before, so there we go." And they reply back with a sincere, "AWWWWWWWWW, well maybe next year you'll have somebody!"
MOTHER FUCKER, why do you have to do that? Why do you have to pity me over it? I didn't give any amount of shits before, and now I only have negative feelings BECAUSE OF YOU. Ass.
But the show was great otherwise. Going to another one tomorrow. Yay!
I'm a mad man.
So, I date my friend. Some of the greatest romantic moments I've had in my entire life have been completely platonic in nature. I've never been able to really connect with somebody on a deeper level during an important moment in my life because there was always that buffer of oh, they're dating somebody. Oh, they're straight. Oh, they're a girl. Oh, we're just not into each other like that. I wouldn't trade those moments with those friends for anything, I honestly wouldn't, but I'm sad that I can't let myself really fall into a feeling in a moment like that.
Not to mention that I demand a lot of my friends attention. I wouldn't call myself a jerk like that, because I'm always more than willing to share adventures with anyone they want to bring along, and I always take "I can't tonight" for an answer without guilting anyone, but that's just the thing-- I constantly have adventures and I desperately need someone with me for these things. I was speaking about this with my friend Adrienne recently and she came to the conclusion that I am, for lack of a better descriptor, like The Doctor (Doctor Who, y'all). I do an insane amount of things with my life, I meet all sorts of incredibly interesting people and go to all sorts of unique and awesome places, and if I have to do it I will go alone-- but I operate best when I have a companion along. When I have somebody there with me, somebody to share things with, I get the most enjoyment out of it because I can SHARE it with someone.
But like with The Doctor, eventually my companions leave the TARDIS that is my crazy life. I can point at countless examples of people slipping away because they want to live their own lives, or they started dating someone new, or school took them away, bands, plays, whatever.
I find it depressingly easy to let people slip out of my life. I expect it, honestly. I outright look for the signs that somebody is about to step away from my life in that capacity (we'll almost always still be friends, but just not like that anymore) and I just wait it out. And I'm always happy when my friends find their own adventures. I'm ecstatic. I love when my friends are happy, in whatever way they find it, and I always hope it's for the better (it usually is).
This is happening right now. My friend Adrienne, who I just mentioned, has started dating this new guy. I met him tonight for the first time. He seems nice. Not amazing, but I only met him the once so I'll withhold further comments. But he's definitely different, and as such Adrienne is different. Happy, absolutely, but different. But I can see it. She's on a new adventure, and so the girl that joined me on so many nights every week to comedy shows, just hanging out, just going for walks, whatever-- she's not my companion anymore.
Dana is working on that comicbook Alpha Girl, and isn't interested in the things I'm interested in anymore. Megan is dating Andrew. Andrew doesn't like to go out. Eric lives too far away and has a girlfriend now. And now Adrienne is dating somebody. All my companions, gone.
I think it's time to break the cycle. Not necessarily meaning I have to find me a boyfriend to plug the drain I'm circling, but I have to stop putting all my chips in one basket, so to speak. Stop dating my friends. Stop finding companions. I don't want to be alone anymore, but this pattern I've had since I was a little kid has got to stop or else I'll never be able to be happy, I don't think. I'll always find myself depressed when another friend can't be my pillar of strength anymore.
The idea is pretty terrifying to me.
The first person I called was an old band mate from my time in Lutheran Gun Club I had recently reconnected with through comedy, Kyle Clark who hosts the show Pizza Day in the middle of a pizza restaurant in Simi Valley, CA. For my Seattle area friends, imagine Bonny Lake in comparison to Seattle. It's kinda like hosting a show there. It's known less for its arts scene and more for its "We have roads now!"'ness. But his show is fucking amazing regardless, and had to be included. He was an awesome interview subject as I expected, but more than that he is SUPER well connected. He's an intern at NerdMelt, which for those of you who are podcast fans is a part of the Nerdist Industries, and was able to hook me up with the contact info for a lot of awesome people.
I emailed a few of them and they all said 'Yes'. Fuck. Yes.
This past Wednesday I went down to NerdMelt (it's an actual comedy club in the back of a comicbook shop called Meltdown Comics, it's fucking AMAZING) and met up with Danielle Kramer and Katie Levine who are both major players in the Nerdist industry, and also alternately produce weekly sister shows called Odd Thursday (1st and 3rd thursday of month) and Golden Palace (2nd and 4th thursday) in this awesome little open room that sits above an active, open for business Chinese restaurant. It was just a laid back meet and greet kind of thing-- that's something I like to do if I have the chance when interviewing subjects for something, because it puts both of us at ease and makes asking/answering questions less uncomfortable. So we hung out, talked, had fun and decided to meet again the following saturday, today, at a Starbucks in Hollywood to do the actual interview.
In the mean time I was messaging back and forth with two other guys and through a series of snags and kerfuffles wound up scheduling BOTH of their interviews for today as well! OH NOOOOO! But whatever, I thought to myself. I'm a tough as nails kid from the street. I can handle myself.
So today rolls around and I wake up at 8am, pull on my fingerless leather gloves (because I'm TUFF like Ponyboy), go get my oil changed, buy a few pairs of pants and underwear, eat a cinnabon with a knife and fork 'cause it was hot, take a nap, wake up AND BURN RUBBER TO HOLLYWOOD, BITCHES! Or Hollyweird, if you're nasty.
I met up with Katie and Danielle and we had a totally awesome double-interview in the middle of a super busy Starbucks. I bought them coffee, and they regaled me with fun stories about what it's like to run two different but related comedy shows in the space above an active restaurant. They also talked about themselves, their past, their connection with the Nerdist network, and how they only produce the shows there, not host. I hadn't even considered that people did that, so that was a pleasant turn of events I'm stoked to include in the article.
After that I met with Eli Olsberg who, along with T.J. Miller, hosts a show called Performance Anxiety in the middle of a (high end) porn shop in West Hollywood. He was a great talker, but his interview was a bit stilted because we weren't able to really talk beforehand and so it took us a little while to get on the same wavelength. But he was totally fucking awesome regardless, and he had a lot of really fantastic things to add to this thing.
The last dude I interviewed was somebody I was almost hesitant to even ask. He's the guy that semi-founded one of the hottest alt comedy spaces right now, which was almost the reason I didn't want to include it. Thank god I realized how fucking retarded about that, and he was super awesome and was down to be a part of this story.
So after I was done with Eli I hopped in my car and headed over to the East LA area to Jonah Ray's house. If you're a comedy podcast fan, you almost definitely know who this is, as he's one of the co-hosts for the flagship Nerdist podcast. He was a super cool dude, and we got along really well. We bonded on punk rock, skateboarding, comedy, and all that stuff before, during, and after the interview. Way easy dude to talk to. And a great interview subject, of course. Super nice too, 'cause as I was leaving he was like "You're a good dude. Super smart and really nice. And you know a lot about comedy." That's actually what he said, not my 'well that's close enough' style quoting. I do believe I impressed him a little.
All in all a really fucking awesome day. I was going to head out to a show tonight, but when I got home I wound up getting sick all up in the bathroom (I blame the cinnabon and tuna melt I ate, and only those things today) so I'm chilling out at home now.
So now I have an insane amount of material to work with for this article that only needs to be between 750 and 1000 words. Should be super fun!
And on top of that, I posited the idea of turning this article into a documentary with all these comics. The reason being that starting next week for one of my film classes I have to, y'know, shoot a documentary on any subject of my choosing. And then NEXT semester I have a whole class dedicated to shooting a documentary. Apropos, don't you think? And everyone I asked was totally down for this.
Part of the other reason I want to do that is because every single person I interviewed kept saying "Oh, have you talked to so-and-so who runs such-and-such? You totally need to, they have an amazing and weird show." And I'm like "AH! I can only cover so much in this article! I may have too much already!" So I figure, shit, there's a story that needs to be told, and these people WANT to tell it.
So yeah. I will be insanely busy for a while, and I am so fucking happy you have no idea.
But one thing that is hard for me to avoid is my need to wear belts. Especially now that I am losing weight and my pants do NOT stay up very well. And almost all belts have metal grippy thingies (someone else can tell me what it's scientific name is). Usually lately, since it's winter and all, I have been able to wear a thermal or wife beater (I seriously hate the common names of those things but don't know what else to call them) tucked into my pants, but the past week or so has been pretty mild temperature wise so I haven't had the need to wear them.
And now my stomach is breaking out in a rash. Because my gut hangs over my pants. I desperately need to lose this weight faster. I'm sick of being PHYSICALLY MISERABLE because I'm overweight. Emotionally and psychologically fucked is one thing, but I ITCH LIKE A BITCH!
So yeah, after all the self imposed stress all this week, I wound up showing up too late for the show for the sign ups. All because my friend missed the bus and needed a ride home. I'm irritated right now. I'm nowhere near relieved, like I feel I should say given the situation. I'm just irritated because I need to start doing this or else no one is going to take me seriously at this rate. I sure as shit won't.
On the plus side I got to see two shows tonight. One with the dude who is gonna be on Conan O'Brien this Tuesday, and another with Todd Glass.
I hung out with Todd Glass a bit but, in typical Jeremy fashion, mentally shut down. I've notices a trend in myself to distance myself from people if I feel their attention is more on someone else. I get stand offish when I feel I'm intruding, which is all the time. Starting in a new social circle is difficult, even if I do it fairly frequently. I never did figure out a way to do it well. I've always been either very weird and feel intrusive, or I'm very assertive and outgoing. It's hard for me to strike a balance.
I have a lot more thoughts in my head right now but I'm bored with complaining. It's not fun being negative.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Went out tonight to go see a video series event. Showed up late due to friends being slow. Wound up going to a goth club (new experience for me) and wound up seeing an AMAZING fucking show by a band called Street Drum Core who everyone should check out because holy hell.
And yet im upset right now, for stupid reasons. I love my friends, but they're all finding people (all of whom I also love and I'm super happy for them all) and tonight was a big reminder that I may lead an interesting and event filled life (not to sound douchy, but I do) but I have and will, it seems, always come home alone.
I am very outgoing and witty and charming and I'm not bad looking, but I'm that six year old boy who doesn't know how to talk to pretty girls (or guys) and its something I can't seem to over come. If there is the possibly that someone is interested in me I freak out and shut down. I just can't do it and it's starting to break my heart.
I should stop there. I had a few beers tonight so I'll chalk it up to that, but i am still pretty fuxking unhappy with myself and my inability to do anything about this. And please, don sole out advice. Your heart is surely in the right place but it just makes me uncomfortable.
Good night iPhone luvejournal. Wish me luck for tomorrows open night. I'm still dreaking out but I'm committed.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
This awesome pillar of the community was parked one inch behind my car, and more than two feet in front of the other car. YOU WIN ALL THE MEDALS!
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
I interviewed my friend Kyle last night for that article. Totally awesome interview, and he has a few leads for me for other alt comedy show hosts. I. Am. Excite.
Then this happened:
he semi-co-hosts the open mic I'm going to this Sunday, the one I've signed up for twice and don't get any time, so he told me that if I don't get called this time he is going to walk me across the street to the a really shitty assholey open mic and make me do it there. He's serious. And now I'm like OH FUCK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.
I'm kinda freaking out because I'm still not sure I'm ready for it. Everyone says its jut a matter of getting up and doing it and sucking if you have to, but just do it. But my perfectionist OCD self is like NO NO NO I NEED MORE TIME I DON'T HAVE JOKES OH GOD IM NOT FUNNY FOREVER ALONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! And AAAAAAAAGH.
What the fuck am I doing? I'm fisting the comedy scene and expecting no one to notice. I'm fuh-reaking out right now.
I was supposed to be trying to pump myself up for this sunday with this post, but I think I just wound up freaking myself out more. I'm not backing out. But GRAAAAAAAH I'm AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Maybe I'll die before Sunday? That'd be awesome.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.